Through the Fog

Blog

  • Emotional Dysregulation

    It feels like I am cursed to live inside a body that betrays me at every turn. Emotional dysregulation isn’t just “mood swings” or being “too sensitive.” It’s violence from within. A storm I never chose that tears through me without warning, leaving destruction in its wake.

    One moment I am fine. Breathing. Surviving. The next, I am consumed. Rage, grief, despair — emotions that don’t trickle in, but flood me, drown me, drag me under. There is no pause button. No control. Only the crash.

    People see the outburst, the breakdown, the silence that follows. They don’t see the terror. They don’t see the way I can feel myself unraveling in real time, like skin splitting open at the seams, powerless to stop it.

    And when it passes — because it always passes — I am left with the ruins. The guilt. The shame. The voices that gnaw at me: You ruined it again. You destroyed everything again. You’ll always be too much, too broken.

    It’s a cycle I can’t escape. A pendulum swinging between fire and emptiness. Between being consumed by emotions that feel too big for my body and being left hollow when they finally burn themselves out.

    They call it dysregulation.

    I call it being at war with myself.

    And some days, I wonder which part of me will win — the storm or the silence.

  • Made for the Grey

    Maybe just maybe I’m not meant for happiness.

    I don’t mean that in a dramatic, attention-seeking way. It’s just… there are people who seem to glide through life with ease — who laugh without effort, who wake up without dread, who find peace in the simplest things. And then there’s me, constantly trying to piece together fragments of myself that never quite fit.

    I’ve spent so long chasing happiness like it’s a finish line — something I could reach if I just worked hard enough, healed deep enough, or loved fully enough. But every time I get close, it slips through my fingers. Maybe happiness was never meant to stay. Maybe it’s supposed to be fleeting, just enough to remind me I’m still human before it fades back into the fog.

    Sometimes I wonder if my life is more about endurance than joy — surviving the weight, carrying the ache, learning to live with the quiet ache of “almost.” Maybe that’s okay. Maybe my story isn’t about finding happiness, but about learning how to exist without it.

    There’s a strange peace in that thought — not comfort, but acceptance. The kind that whispers, you’re still here, and maybe that’s enough.

  • What it’s Like to Be Seen

    It’s strange what happens when someone really sees you.

    Not the version you’ve practiced, not the one that smiles on cue or says, “I’m fine,” even when you’re falling apart — but the real you. The one you keep hidden behind sarcasm, behind busyness, behind the stories you tell to keep people from asking too many questions.

    Being seen feels terrifying at first.

    Because it means someone is looking past the armor you’ve spent years building. It means your flaws are showing, your scars are visible, and the truth you’ve tried so hard to bury is standing in the open, trembling in the light.

    But it’s also freeing.

    Because when someone looks at you and doesn’t turn away — when they stay, even after seeing the cracks — it changes something inside you.

    You start to believe maybe you’re not too much.

    Maybe you don’t have to hide to be loved.

    Being seen isn’t about attention; it’s about being understood.

    It’s when someone looks at you and doesn’t just see the surface — they see the story. The pain. The strength. The fight it took to still be here.

    And for a moment, you feel weightless.

    Because for once, you’re not performing —

    you’re just you.

    And that’s enough.

  • Don’t Tell Me to Relax

    Trauma doesn’t leave

    just because you say relax.

    Don’t talk to me like this is a choice,

    like I’m holding tension for fun,

    like my body didn’t learn this

    the hard way.

    You think calm is a switch.

    You think if you say the right words

    my pulse will forget

    every moment it had to protect me

    when no one else did.

    My body didn’t overreact—

    it adapted.

    It learned danger before language,

    learned survival before comfort,

    learned that staying alert

    was the only way to make it out alive.

    So don’t tell me to relax

    when my nervous system

    was trained in chaos.

    Don’t call it anxiety

    when it’s memory

    with nowhere else to go.

    Trauma lives in muscle.

    In breath that cuts short.

    In sleep that never stays deep.

    In the way I scan rooms

    even when nothing is happening.

    You want calm?

    Then bring safety.

    Real safety.

    Consistent safety.

    The kind that shows up

    even when I’m difficult,

    even when I’m shaking,

    even when I don’t know

    how to explain what’s wrong.

    Until then,

    don’t ask me to relax.

    Ask what happened.

    Ask what it took to survive.

    Ask why my body learned

    this language

    before it ever learned peace.

  • Grace in the Now

    God lives inside you—

    you already found Him.

    In the quiet refusal to give up.

    In the breath you took

    when quitting would’ve been easier.

    In the part of you that still reaches

    for light

    even with shaking hands.

    You keep looking outward,

    as if holiness only exists

    somewhere far away,

    but grace has been pacing your chest

    this whole time,

    patient,

    unimpressed by your doubt.

    The devil lives in memories.

    In the old scenes he replays

    until they feel prophetic.

    In the nights he convinces you

    that what hurt you once

    gets to define you forever.

    He doesn’t need claws or fire.

    He just hounds you

    with what already happened.

    With words you can’t unsay.

    With moments you survived

    but never forgave yourself for.

    God doesn’t shout over that noise.

    He waits.

    In the present.

    In the now.

    In the choice to stop letting yesterday

    put its hands around your throat.

    You aren’t lost.

    You’re distracted by echoes.

    And every time you choose this moment—

    every time you stay—

    you loosen the devil’s grip

    and remember where God has been

    all along.

    Inside you.

  • Still Coal

    If pressure makes diamonds,

    how the hell am I still coal?

    I’ve been buried long enough.

    Pressed by expectations,

    by grief,

    by every version of myself

    that was supposed to turn out better.

    I’ve held the weight.

    Didn’t crack loudly.

    Didn’t fall apart in a way

    anyone noticed.

    I just stayed dark,

    compressed,

    waiting for something miraculous

    to happen.

    They say pressure builds strength.

    They say suffering refines you.

    They say one day

    you’ll shine.

    But nobody talks about the waiting—

    how long it takes,

    how quiet it is,

    how easy it is to believe

    you’re not becoming anything at all.

    Maybe I’m not broken.

    Maybe I’m just unfinished.

    Maybe not all pressure polishes—

    some of it just teaches you

    how to survive underground.

    So if I’m still coal,

    it’s not because I failed.

    It’s because transformation

    doesn’t happen on a schedule,

    and not every miracle

    glitters right away.

  • I’ll Praise You While My Heart Breaks

    There are moments when the pain is too heavy to name —

    when the silence feels like punishment,

    and all the prayers sound like echoes that never reach past the ceiling.

    I don’t always understand why the breaking has to come before the healing,

    why the people I love get taken,

    or why the storms never seem to stop.

    But I’ve learned that faith isn’t built in the easy moments.

    It’s forged in the dark — in the waiting, in the ache, in the stillness after everything falls apart.

    So I’ll praise You while my heart breaks.

    Not because I’m strong, but because I’m desperate to believe this pain has purpose.

    Because somewhere deep inside, beneath the exhaustion and the anger,

    I still want to trust that You’re here —

    that You see me,

    that none of this is for nothing.

    Praise doesn’t always sound like singing.

    Sometimes it’s just whispering thank you through tears,

    or choosing to get out of bed when your spirit feels shattered.

    So I’ll keep praising You — not because my heart is whole,

    but because I know You’re the only one who can make something out of what’s left.

  • Pain

    Trying to live while in pain

    is a quiet kind of bravery—

    waking up with the same heaviness

    and choosing to move anyway.

    It’s breathing through the ache,

    holding yourself together

    with trembling hands,

    pretending the world isn’t sharp

    even when it cuts.

    It’s walking forward

    with a heartbeat that feels bruised,

    hoping one day the weight will lift,

    hoping one day you’ll feel more alive

    than broken.

    And even when no one sees it,

    every step you take

    is a victory

    you don’t give yourself

    enough credit for.

  • Forgotten Kindness

    Forgotten gentle kindness,  

    days blur, nights sigh,  

    I run on empty promises,  

    never asking why.

    A to-do list heavy,  

    rest crossed out each week,  

    I give and give,  

    but my spirit grows weak.

    Lessons of love left unread,  

    quiet needs, never spoken—  

    In the mirror’s tired glance,  

    see a soul softly broken.

  • Hey, Depression, My Old Friend

    You always try to get the best of me—

    to take the last laugh,

    to rewrite my thoughts

    until they sound like yours.

    You whisper that I’m weak,

    that I’m late to my own life,

    that I should know by now

    you never really leave.

    Battling you isn’t easy.

    You know that.

    You know every fault line,

    every night I doubted myself,

    every fear I never said out loud.

    You wait until I’m tired

    and call it truth.

    You wait until I’m quiet

    and call it surrender.

    You think persistence makes you powerful.

    You think showing up uninvited

    means you own the place.

    You mistake familiarity for victory.

    But listen to me—

    I am still standing.

    Even when my legs shake.

    Even when I’m angry, exhausted,

    done pretending this is fair.

    I push back in ways you don’t see—

    by getting out of bed,

    by choosing to stay,

    by refusing to disappear

    just because you asked me to.

    You knock me down,

    and I get back up pissed off,

    breathing hard,

    learning my strength the long way.

    You don’t get the last laugh.

    You don’t get to finish my sentences.

    You don’t get to decide

    how this story ends.

    I will overcome you—

    not cleanly,

    not quietly,

    not without scars.

    But I will.