Through the Fog

Blog

  • Learning to Swim

    At first,

    I thought I was drowning.

    Arms wild,

    lungs burning,

    heart panicking

    at the weight of it all.

    I fought the water—

    kicked against it,

    pushed,

    thrashed

    like survival meant

    winning.

    But water doesn’t fight back.

    It just holds you

    or lets you sink.

    No one told me

    how much of this

    was learning to stop

    fighting what I’m in.

    So I slowed.

    Not all at once—

    just enough

    to notice

    that the surface

    was closer

    than I thought.

    That if I leaned back

    instead of forward,

    if I trusted

    even a little—

    I wouldn’t disappear.

    I wouldn’t fall

    through the bottom

    of something

    that doesn’t have one.

    I’d float.

    Awkward at first.

    Unsteady.

    Unsure

    if I could trust it to last.

    But it held me.

    And maybe

    that’s what this is—

    not learning

    how to escape the water,

    but learning

    how to stay in it

    without losing myself.

    Learning

    that survival

    doesn’t always look like struggle.

    Sometimes

    it looks like surrender—

    like letting something

    carry you

    until you remember

    how to move

    without fear.

  • Somewhere Between

    I exist

    somewhere between

    letting go

    and holding on.

    Not fully lost,

    not fully found—

    just suspended

    in a moment

    that won’t decide

    what it wants to be.

    I replay things

    I should’ve released,

    hold onto words

    that already faded,

    search for meaning

    in places

    that stopped answering.

    And still—

    there’s a part of me

    that won’t give up.

    A quiet voice

    that says

    this isn’t the end,

    even when everything

    feels like it already passed.

    Maybe I’m not stuck.

    Maybe I’m becoming—

    slowly,

    uncertainly,

    in ways I don’t recognize yet.

    Maybe this in-between

    isn’t something to escape…

    but something

    I have to move through

    to find

    whatever comes next.

  • Still Here

    Some days

    I move like a question

    no one bothered to answer—

    half-formed,

    half-finished,

    carrying pieces of myself

    that don’t quite fit anymore.

    I’ve tried to outrun it—

    the weight,

    the noise,

    the quiet kind of ache

    that doesn’t scream

    but never really leaves.

    But it follows.

    In the pauses.

    In the way I hesitate

    before saying I’m okay.

    In the way I’ve learned

    to sit with silence

    like it’s something

    I deserve.

    And still—

    I wake up.

    Still—

    I breathe

    even when it feels

    like effort.

    Still—

    some small part of me

    keeps reaching

    for something softer

    than what I’ve known.

    I don’t always believe

    in better.

    But I believe

    in this—

    that I’m still here,

    still standing

    in the middle of it all,

    and maybe

    that means

    something hasn’t given up on me yet.

  • Find My Way Home

    I keep thinking

    home is a place—

    a doorway I’ll recognize,

    a feeling that settles

    the second I step inside.

    But everywhere I go

    feels temporary,

    like I’m passing through

    something that was never

    meant to keep me.

    I’ve chased it in people—

    in the way they said my name,

    in the spaces they made for me,

    in the moments

    I thought I finally belonged.

    But people leave.

    Or change.

    Or become something

    I can’t stay inside of anymore.

    And suddenly

    I’m standing there again—

    hands empty,

    heart full of something

    that doesn’t know where to go.

    So I start over.

    New places.

    New faces.

    New versions of myself

    I hope will finally feel right.

    But the truth is—

    I’ve been looking outward

    for something

    that was never out there.

    Because home

    isn’t a person.

    It isn’t a place

    that can disappear on me.

    It’s something quieter than that.

    Something I have to build

    inside myself—

    piece by piece,

    through every mistake,

    every loss,

    every time I didn’t think

    I’d make it through.

    Maybe finding my way home

    isn’t about arriving.

    Maybe it’s about learning

    to stay

    with myself

    long enough

    to feel like

    I never left.

  • Making Mama Proud

    I think about you

    in the quiet moments—

    not the loud ones

    where everyone’s watching,

    but the in-between

    where it’s just me

    and the weight of who I am.

    I wonder

    if this is what you hoped for.

    If the person I’m becoming

    is someone

    you’d recognize with pride

    or with worry

    you wouldn’t say out loud.

    I carry your voice with me—

    in the way I second-guess,

    in the way I try again,

    in the way I don’t quit

    even when I want to.

    You taught me

    how to stand up straight,

    how to be kind

    even when it’s not returned,

    how to hold onto something good

    in a world

    that doesn’t always give it back.

    But you didn’t teach me

    how to feel like I’m enough.

    So I chase it—

    in work,

    in love,

    in the way I keep pushing

    like there’s a version of me

    just ahead

    that finally gets it right.

    I want to make you proud.

    Not in the ways people measure—

    not in titles or applause—

    but in the quiet knowing

    that I didn’t give up on myself.

    That I kept going

    when it got hard.

    That I stayed

    when it would’ve been easier

    to walk away.

    And maybe

    that’s what you wanted all along—

    not perfection,

    not some polished version of me—

    just someone

    who kept trying

    to be better

    than the person they were

    yesterday.

    I don’t know

    if I’m there yet.

    But I’m still trying.

    And I hope

    that somewhere

    in all of this becoming—

    that counts.

  • Burning Quietly

    Johnny Cash said

    love would burn—

    and I believed him.

    I pictured fire

    the way people talk about it—

    warm, golden,

    something that lights you up

    without taking anything

    you can’t replace.

    I thought it would feel like passion.

    Like heat in the right places.

    Like something alive

    that made everything brighter.

    I didn’t know

    fire also destroys.

    Didn’t know

    it could get inside you—

    under your skin,

    in your chest—

    and stay there

    long after the flames die out.

    Now it’s not a blaze.

    It’s embers.

    A slow, aching glow

    that won’t go out,

    won’t let me forget

    what it felt like

    to be close enough

    to get burned.

    Because loving you

    wasn’t loud in the end.

    It didn’t explode.

    It just kept burning

    quietly—

    taking pieces of me

    with it

    until I realized

    I wasn’t warming up anymore.

    I was breaking down.

    And maybe

    that’s what he meant—

    not the kind of fire

    you stand near,

    but the kind

    you don’t notice

    is consuming you

    until there’s nothing left

    that doesn’t ache.

  • I Miss the Idea of You

    Maybe I miss your lovin’—

    or maybe I miss

    who I was

    when it felt like enough.

    It’s hard to tell

    what part of you stayed

    and what part of me

    never really left.

    Because it wasn’t just you—

    it was the way

    everything softened

    when you were near,

    the way the world

    felt less heavy

    for a while.

    Maybe I don’t miss you

    the way I think I do.

    Maybe I miss

    the quiet in my chest

    when I didn’t have to question

    where I stood.

    The way your name

    used to feel certain

    instead of distant,

    instead of something

    I turn over in my mind

    like it might change shape.

    I catch myself sometimes—

    reaching for something

    that isn’t there anymore,

    like memory

    still believes

    it can touch you.

    And maybe

    that’s the truth of it—

    I don’t miss

    what it became.

    I miss

    what it was

    before it broke,

    before it turned

    into something

    I had to let go of.

    So yeah—

    maybe I miss your lovin’.

    Or maybe

    I just miss

    the version of us

    that didn’t know

    it wouldn’t last.

  • Exit Signs

    I’ve memorized

    every exit sign

    in every room

    I’ve ever entered.

    Not consciously—

    it just happens.

    My eyes find them

    before they find people.

    The quiet glow above a door,

    that steady promise

    that leaving

    is always an option.

    I sit in conversations

    half-present,

    half-planning—

    measuring distance,

    timing silence,

    figuring out

    how long I can stay

    before I start to disappear.

    It’s not that I want to leave.

    It’s that I need to know

    I can.

    Because I’ve been in places

    where doors didn’t feel real,

    where staying

    was the only choice

    and it cost me more

    than anyone ever saw.

    So now I look for exits

    even when I’m safe.

    Even when nothing’s wrong.

    Just in case.

    Just in case

    the air shifts,

    the room changes,

    the ground under me

    starts to feel familiar

    in all the wrong ways.

    And maybe one day

    I’ll sit somewhere

    long enough

    to forget to look.

    Maybe one day

    I’ll trust a room

    to hold me

    without needing

    a way out.

    But until then—

    I’ll keep noticing

    the soft red glow

    above every door,

    and reminding myself

    I can leave

    if I need to.

  • What Looked Safe

    You’re a gun without a safety—

    not loud at first,

    not obvious.

    You don’t come in blazing.

    You come in close.

    Warm.

    Careful with your aim

    until I forget

    there’s danger in your hands.

    You speak softly

    like nothing about you

    could ever hurt me.

    And that’s how it happens—

    not in a moment,

    but in the slow lowering

    of my guard.

    I stop checking for warning signs.

    Stop asking the questions

    that might’ve saved me.

    Because you feel steady.

    Because you feel real.

    Because you don’t look

    like something that breaks things.

    But you do.

    Not all at once—

    just enough

    to leave a mark.

    Just enough

    to remind me

    how quickly something

    can turn.

    There’s no click,

    no signal,

    no space

    between safe and not.

    Just the sudden realization

    that I trusted something

    that was never built

    to protect me.

    And maybe

    you didn’t mean to be dangerous.

    Maybe you just never learned

    how to carry yourself

    without causing harm.

    But that doesn’t change

    what it does to me.

    Because now

    I flinch

    at things that never hurt before.

    Now I measure closeness

    like it’s risk.

    Now I remember—

    some people

    don’t come with warnings.

    They come

    like you did—

    looking harmless

    until they’re not.

  • Bad Attitude

    You call it a bad attitude

    because confidence

    looks rude

    when it doesn’t ask permission.

    Because I stopped smiling

    through things

    that hurt me.

    Because I learned

    how to say no

    without decorating it

    for your comfort.

    You liked me better

    when I was easier—

    when I folded myself smaller,

    when I confused silence

    for peace.

    Back when I apologized

    for taking up space,

    for having needs,

    for noticing disrespect

    and pretending I didn’t.

    Now I speak plainly.

    Now I leave

    when something feels wrong.

    Now I don’t explain myself

    to people committed

    to misunderstanding me.

    And somehow

    that became attitude.

    Funny how boundaries

    sound hostile

    to those who benefited

    from your lack of them.

    Funny how self-respect

    gets renamed

    when it no longer serves

    someone else.

    So call it what you want.

    Bad attitude.

    Too much.

    Difficult.

    Cold.

    I know what it is.

    It’s the posture

    of someone

    who got tired

    of being handled carelessly.