Through the Fog

Blog

  • I Can’t Outrun Myself

    I’ve tried—

    God, I’ve tried—

    to outrun the parts of me

    that keep dragging me back

    into the places I swore I’d never return to.

    I’ve run until my lungs burned,

    until my thoughts blurred,

    until the world around me felt

    farther away than my own heartbeat.

    But no matter how fast I go,

    no matter how far I push,

    I always find myself

    waiting at the finish line.

    I can’t outrun myself.

    Not the memories I buried in shallow graves,

    not the habits that linger like ghosts,

    not the ache that rises

    when the night gets too quiet

    and the truth gets too loud.

    I keep hoping distance will save me—

    that miles will become medicine,

    that new places will give me new skin.

    But I carry the same bones,

    the same bruises,

    the same soft, stubborn heart

    that refuses to forget.

    Some days I feel like two people—

    the one who wants to heal

    and the one who keeps sabotaging the healing,

    locked in an endless chase

    around the ruins of who I used to be.

    But maybe the answer

    isn’t running.

    Maybe it’s stopping long enough

    to look myself in the eyes

    and say,

    I’m still here.

    I’m still trying.

    I’m still worth saving.

    I can’t outrun myself—

    but maybe

    I can learn to walk beside her.

  • Between What’s Said and Buried

    Photo credit-Thiébaud Faix

    Communication breaks me open

    in ways I don’t always survive.

    It drags the truth out of the corners

    I’ve kept in shadow,

    forces me to name the things

    I swore I’d never admit aloud.

    I’ve spent years learning

    how to make my silence look graceful—

    how to swallow storms,

    how to smile with a mouth full of grief,

    how to carry secrets

    without letting the weight show.

    But silence is a grave,

    and I’ve buried too many versions of myself

    trying to keep the peace.

    Trying to keep people.

    Trying to keep from falling apart

    in front of the wrong eyes.

    So when you ask me what’s wrong,

    I hesitate.

    Not because I don’t want to tell you,

    but because I don’t know

    how to hand you the truth

    without bleeding in the process.

    Communication isn’t easy for people like me—

    people who learned to fear their own voice,

    who were taught that honesty

    was the fastest way to lose someone.

    People who mistake vulnerability

    for danger.

    But still—

    I try.

    I open my mouth even when it trembles.

    I let the words come out

    messy, fractured, imperfect,

    hoping you’ll stay long enough

    to understand the quiet parts too.

    Because even though communication

    breaks me open,

    I’m tired of sealing myself shut.

    I’m tired of burying what I feel

    and calling it strength.

    Maybe this is what growth looks like—

    letting my truth exist

    outside of my own head,

    even if my voice cracks on the way out.

    Maybe this is how I rise

    from all the graves I dug for myself.

  • The Day You Choose Yourself

    I think one day

    you have to decide

    you can’t drown in it anymore.

    The sorrow, the memories, the mistakes—

    they’ve dragged you under long enough,

    teaching you how to hold your breath

    instead of how to breathe.

    There comes a moment

    when your spirit aches for the surface,

    for a chance to feel light again,

    even if you’re not sure you deserve it.

    When the exhaustion becomes louder

    than the pain you’ve grown used to,

    and something inside you whispers,

    “You can’t stay here. Not like this.”

    Healing doesn’t happen in an instant.

    You rise slowly, shakily,

    pushing through the heaviness

    that once felt like home.

    And with every inch upward,

    you learn that surviving is not surrender—

    it’s choosing yourself

    even when you’re not sure how.

    Because you weren’t made

    to spend your life underwater.

    Somewhere above the surface,

    there’s air with your name on it—

    and you’re allowed to breathe again.

  • The Weight of the Wrong Place

    The universe will never give you peace

    in something you were never meant to settle in.

    It’s why the wrong places feel heavy,

    why the wrong people feel loud,

    why your chest tightens

    every time you try to force yourself

    into a life that doesn’t fit.

    Discomfort is direction.

    Restlessness is truth.

    That ache you feel?

    It’s your soul refusing to shrink

    just to make a moment feel easier.

    You weren’t created for a half-life,

    for almost-right,

    for good enough.

    The universe isn’t punishing you —

    it’s pulling you out.

    It’s nudging you forward.

    It’s reminding you that peace

    isn’t found in settling,

    it’s found in becoming.

  • Be Careful With Yourself

    There is something

    self-destructive in me,

    a part that reaches for fire

    even when I know it burns.

    It whispers when I’m tired,

    pulls at me when I’m lonely,

    tries to convince me

    that chaos is comfort

    and ruin is familiar.

    So I have to be careful.

    Gentle.

    Honest with myself

    about the places I am fragile

    and the urges that pretend

    to be escape.

    I am learning

    that awareness is protection,

    that naming the darkness

    keeps it from sneaking up on me.

    I don’t shame myself

    for the battles inside me —

    I just hold my own hands tighter,

    choose softer ways to survive,

    and remind the hurt in me

    that I’m not abandoning it

    ever again.

    Because I can be dangerous

    to myself,

    yes.

    But I can also be

    the one who saves me

    if I stay aware,

    stay gentle,

    stay here.

  • No One Determines Our Worth

    Photo Credit-Aleksey Kuprikov

    No one determines our worth—

    not the ones who doubted us,

    not the ones who left,

    not the ones who tried to shrink us

    into something quieter

    so they could feel louder.

    We are not defined

    by the people who couldn’t see us.

    We are not measured

    by the moments that broke us.

    We are not small

    just because someone else

    was afraid of our size.

    Our worth was carved into us

    long before the world decided

    to name our scars.

    It lives in our survival,

    in our softness,

    in the way we rise again

    even when the ground trembles.

    No one determines our worth—

    we do.

    We rewrite the story,

    we choose the truth,

    we decide who we are

    and who we refuse

    to ever be again.

    And if anyone tries

    to tell you otherwise,

    let them talk.

    Let them underestimate.

    Let them watch you grow

    into everything they swore

    you’d never become.

    Because here’s the secret

    they never wanted us to know:

    our worth is ours.

    Untouched.

    Unbroken.

    Undeniable.

    And we don’t need permission

    to rise.

  • Messed Up Kid

    I was just a messed-up kid

    trying to make sense of a life

    that never slowed down long enough

    for me to breathe.

    People saw the attitude,

    the anger,

    the way I shut down first

    so no one else could beat me to it.

    They didn’t see the trembling underneath—

    the part of me begging

    for someone to just stay.

    I learned early

    that love had sharp edges,

    and silence could bruise too.

    I carried secrets like stones in my pockets,

    heavy enough to drown me

    but somehow I kept walking.

    Every mistake I made

    felt like another reason to apologize

    for being alive.

    They called me trouble.

    They called me dramatic.

    They called me broken.

    But they never called me a kid

    who needed softness.

    Who needed someone to speak gently

    in a world that only knew how to shout.

    I grew up thinking chaos was normal,

    that pain was proof of living,

    that I had to earn every small piece of kindness

    by bleeding first.

    I didn’t know

    that survival doesn’t mean you’re unlovable—

    just that you had to grow thorns

    before you ever learned how to bloom.

    And yeah, maybe I was a messed-up kid.

    But I was also brave.

    I carried things I never asked for,

    held up a sky that wasn’t mine,

    and still managed to find a way

    to keep going.

    Now I look back at that version of me—

    the scared one,

    the angry one,

    the quiet one hiding behind wildfire eyes—

    and I want to tell them

    they weren’t ruined.

    They were shaped.

    Forged.

    Built out of battles

    they were never meant to fight alone.

    Maybe I was a messed-up kid,

    but I’m not that kid anymore.

    And if I am—

    if parts of them still live in me—

    I hold them gently now.

    I let them rest.

    I let them be more than their wounds.

    Because the truth is,

    I didn’t grow up wrong.

    I grew up surviving.

    And surviving

    is its own kind of strength.

  • When it Rains

    There’s got to be a break in the monotony—

    but Jesus, when it rains,

    how it pours.

    One bad day becomes three,

    and suddenly the whole week feels

    like a storm I never learned to stand in.

    I keep waiting for the clouds to part,

    for the world to give me

    just one soft moment,

    one breath that doesn’t feel borrowed.

    But life keeps dropping weight on me

    like it thinks I can’t be broken,

    like I haven’t cracked a hundred times already.

    Still, somewhere underneath the thunder,

    I hold on—

    not because I’m strong,

    but because the storm can’t last forever,

    even when it feels like it will.

    There’s got to be a break in the monotony,

    and maybe the pouring rain

    is just the sky making room

    for something better to grow.

  • These Words Are All I Have

    Photo Credit-Bas Glaap

    These words are all I have—

    the only way I know

    to bleed without breaking,

    to speak without shattering

    the pieces I’m still holding together.

    I can’t hand you my heart

    without it trembling,

    can’t show you my scars

    without feeling them reopen,

    so I write instead—

    hoping you hear the truth

    hiding between the lines.

    These words are all I have

    when my voice won’t steady,

    when the ache in my chest

    is louder than anything I could say.

    So I offer them softly,

    quiet as a confession,

    fragile as a prayer—

    hoping you’ll read them

    and understand

    that everything I feel

    is here on the page,

    because it’s the only place

    I’m not afraid

    to let it live.

  • In the Early Hours of Morning

    Photo Credit-Daniil Onischenko

    In the early hours of morning,

    when the world is barely awake

    and the sky is holding its breath,

    I find a quiet I can’t touch

    at any other time of day.

    The air feels softer then—

    like it knows my name,

    like it recognizes the weight

    I carried through the night.

    Streetlights hum their sleepy glow,

    and shadows stretch long and gentle,

    not to scare me,

    but to remind me I’m not alone.

    My thoughts move slower,

    unrushed, unjudged,

    wandering the dim edges of dawn

    where everything feels honest.

    In the early hours of morning,

    I’m not trying to be anything—

    not brave, not healed,

    not whole.

    I’m just a heartbeat

    listening to the world exhale,

    waiting for the sun

    to rise over the parts of me

    I’m still learning to love.