Im Getting Pretty Good at This

I’m getting pretty good at this—

the way I hold it together,

the way I answer

like nothing’s slipping.

You’d never know

how close it gets sometimes.

How everything inside me

leans just a little too far,

like it might tip

if I don’t stay careful.

But I do.

I keep my voice even.

My face steady.

My reactions small enough

to pass as normal.

I’ve learned the timing—

when to speak,

when to nod,

when to let silence

do the work for me.

It’s not lying exactly.

It’s… editing.

Choosing which parts

of myself

get to exist

in front of other people.

And I’m good at it now.

Good at being okay.

Good at making it believable.

Good at disappearing

just enough

to keep everything intact.

But there are moments—

small ones,

quiet ones—

where it almost breaks.

Where I forget

what I’m supposed to look like,

what version of me

I’m holding up.

And I feel it—

the weight

of everything I’ve pushed down

trying to come back up.

I catch it though.

I always do.

Smooth it out.

Lock it back in place.

Go right back

to being fine.

I’m getting pretty good at this—

and I don’t know

if that’s something

I should be proud of

or afraid of.