Get What I Deserve

I used to think

getting what I deserve

meant punishment.

Like life was keeping score

in some quiet ledger—

every mistake inked in permanent,

every failure waiting

to be returned to me

with interest.

So I braced for it.

For the fall.

For the loss.

For the moment

everything I touched

would finally reflect back

what I believed about myself.

Not enough.

Too much.

Hard to hold.

Easy to leave.

I called that honesty.

I called that accountability.

But it was just

familiar cruelty

wearing my voice.

Because the truth is—

I’ve already paid

for things I didn’t deserve.

Stayed too long

where I was shrinking.

Apologized

for taking up space.

Carried weight

that was never mine.

And still,

some part of me

thought balance meant

more suffering.

Like peace

had to be earned

through exhaustion.

But maybe

getting what I deserve

isn’t about pain at all.

Maybe it looks like

rest without guilt.

Love without proving.

Being met

without begging to be understood.

Maybe it’s waking up

and not immediately

putting myself on trial.

Maybe it’s this—

learning that I am not a debt

waiting to be collected.

And for the first time,

when I say

“I want what I deserve,”

I don’t mean consequences.

I mean

something gentle

finally staying.