Through the Fog

Tag: forgiveness

  • Regret is My Constant Companion

    Regret walks beside me

    like a shadow that never learned

    how to leave when the sun comes up.

    It knows my footsteps,

    matches my breathing,

    whispers the names of moments

    I wish I could touch again

    with gentler hands.

    I carry whole conversations

    that never happened,

    apologies folded small

    inside my chest,

    waiting for a door

    that doesn’t exist anymore.

    Sometimes regret is loud—

    a storm of what if

    crashing against the ribs

    until sleep feels impossible.

    Sometimes it is quiet,

    just a chair pulled out

    at the table of memory,

    sitting across from me

    without speaking,

    and somehow saying everything.

    I used to think regret

    was punishment—

    proof that I had ruined

    the only life I was given.

    But maybe regret is only love

    with nowhere left to go.

    Maybe it stays

    because something in me

    still cares enough

    to wish I had chosen

    more gently.

    And if that’s true,

    then regret is not my enemy.

    It is the part of my heart

    that refuses to become careless.

    The part that still believes

    even broken people

    can learn how to hold the world

    without hurting it.

    And maybe one day

    regret will loosen its grip,

    not because the past changed,

    but because I finally did—

    soft enough

    to forgive the person

    who didn’t know

    how to be me yet.

  • This Foolish Life I’ve Lived

    This foolish life I’ve lived

    was loud with mistakes,

    heavy with lessons I didn’t want to learn

    until they bruised me into listening.

    I ran toward things that burned,

    called it passion,

    called it freedom,

    anything but fear.

    I loved too hard,

    stayed too long,

    believed in people

    the way you believe in miracles—

    recklessly,

    with my eyes closed.

    I’ve mistaken survival for strength,

    chaos for meaning,

    pain for proof

    that I was alive.

    But even in all that foolishness,

    I was searching—

    for quiet,

    for truth,

    for a reason to soften my grip

    on everything that hurt me.

    Maybe this life wasn’t foolish at all.

    Maybe it was just honest.

    And maybe every wrong turn

    was teaching me

    how to finally choose

    something gentle.

  • Grace in the Now

    God lives inside you—

    you already found Him.

    In the quiet refusal to give up.

    In the breath you took

    when quitting would’ve been easier.

    In the part of you that still reaches

    for light

    even with shaking hands.

    You keep looking outward,

    as if holiness only exists

    somewhere far away,

    but grace has been pacing your chest

    this whole time,

    patient,

    unimpressed by your doubt.

    The devil lives in memories.

    In the old scenes he replays

    until they feel prophetic.

    In the nights he convinces you

    that what hurt you once

    gets to define you forever.

    He doesn’t need claws or fire.

    He just hounds you

    with what already happened.

    With words you can’t unsay.

    With moments you survived

    but never forgave yourself for.

    God doesn’t shout over that noise.

    He waits.

    In the present.

    In the now.

    In the choice to stop letting yesterday

    put its hands around your throat.

    You aren’t lost.

    You’re distracted by echoes.

    And every time you choose this moment—

    every time you stay—

    you loosen the devil’s grip

    and remember where God has been

    all along.

    Inside you.

  • Getting Clean

    The hardest part of getting clean

    isn’t the cravings.

    It’s the apologies.

    The ones you owe

    to people who loved you

    while you were slowly vanishing.

    The ones you owe

    to past versions of yourself

    you barely recognize anymore.

    It’s learning how to say

    “I’m sorry”

    and not expect relief in return.

    Learning how to say

    “I’m trying”

    when trust still feels fragile

    and unfinished.

    Some apologies are met with grace.

    Some are met with silence.

    Some come back years later

    in quiet moments

    when you finally understand

    the weight of what was broken.

    Getting clean means standing there—

    in the middle of what you ruined—

    with nothing to hide behind.

    Knowing regret can’t undo damage,

    it can only mean you see it now.

    And maybe the bravest apology

    isn’t words at all,

    but staying.

    Doing better.

    Letting time believe you

    before anyone else does.

  • When the Magnolias Bloom

    When the magnolias bloom,

    the world remembers how to soften.

    White petals open like quiet forgiveness,

    thick with scent and patience,

    unhurried by whatever we rushed through.

    They bloom after the cold

    as if it never owned them,

    as if survival didn’t leave marks.

    No announcement.

    No apology.

    Just beauty insisting on itself.

    I think about timing then—

    how some things wait until they’re ready,

    how some hearts don’t open

    until the frost finally loosens its grip.

    How blooming late

    doesn’t mean blooming wrong.

    When the magnolias bloom,

    I let myself believe in return.

    In second chances that don’t explain themselves.

    In tenderness strong enough

    to come back every year

    without asking who stayed to see it.

    And for a moment,

    everything feels possible again—

    not because life is easy,

    but because something beautiful

    chose to open anyway.

  • Trying to Outrun Myself

    Every time I try to outrun myself,

    my feet lock to the floor.

    The harder I push forward,

    the heavier my body feels,

    like something inside me

    is begging to be faced

    instead of escaped.

    I picture the other side

    peace, clarity, a version of me

    that doesn’t flinch at her own thoughts.

    But the distance feels endless,

    like I was dropped in the middle of nowhere

    with no map

    and a heart already tired.

    I tell myself to move.

    Just one step.

    Just breathe.

    But my mind is louder than my legs,

    and every fear I’ve ever buried

    comes sprinting past me,

    reminding me I can’t outrun

    what knows my name.

    I’ve tried speed.

    I’ve tried numbness.

    I’ve tried pretending I’m fine

    because it looks easier

    than explaining the war inside my chest.

    Still, I stay stuck

    watching life rush by

    like I missed my cue to jump in.

    Some days it feels like

    I’ll never make it to the other side,

    like forward is a language

    I never learned how to speak.

    Like everyone else is crossing bridges

    I can’t even see.

    But maybe this stillness

    isn’t failure.

    Maybe it’s my body refusing

    to abandon itself again.

    Maybe the other side

    isn’t somewhere I run to

    maybe it’s something I build

    right here,

    piece by fragile piece.

    I don’t know how to get there yet.

    I only know I’m still here,

    still breathing,

    still wanting more than survival.

    And maybe that means

    I haven’t stopped moving at all—

    I’ve just been learning

    how to turn around

    and finally walk with myself

    instead of away.

  • I Was High Then

    I was high then—

    I couldn’t face things

    the way they stood in front of me,

    bare and demanding.

    I needed the blur,

    the soft edges,

    the lie that told me

    tomorrow could wait.

    Reality was too sharp,

    asking questions I didn’t have answers for,

    holding mirrors I didn’t want to look into.

    So I floated above it,

    called it coping,

    called it freedom,

    anything but fear.

    I wasn’t chasing joy—

    I was running from myself,

    from the weight of being present

    in a life that hurt to touch.

    Now I see it clearer:

    I wasn’t weak,

    just overwhelmed.

    I didn’t want to disappear—

    I just didn’t know

    how to stay.

  • Messed Up Kid

    I was just a messed-up kid

    trying to make sense of a life

    that never slowed down long enough

    for me to breathe.

    People saw the attitude,

    the anger,

    the way I shut down first

    so no one else could beat me to it.

    They didn’t see the trembling underneath—

    the part of me begging

    for someone to just stay.

    I learned early

    that love had sharp edges,

    and silence could bruise too.

    I carried secrets like stones in my pockets,

    heavy enough to drown me

    but somehow I kept walking.

    Every mistake I made

    felt like another reason to apologize

    for being alive.

    They called me trouble.

    They called me dramatic.

    They called me broken.

    But they never called me a kid

    who needed softness.

    Who needed someone to speak gently

    in a world that only knew how to shout.

    I grew up thinking chaos was normal,

    that pain was proof of living,

    that I had to earn every small piece of kindness

    by bleeding first.

    I didn’t know

    that survival doesn’t mean you’re unlovable—

    just that you had to grow thorns

    before you ever learned how to bloom.

    And yeah, maybe I was a messed-up kid.

    But I was also brave.

    I carried things I never asked for,

    held up a sky that wasn’t mine,

    and still managed to find a way

    to keep going.

    Now I look back at that version of me—

    the scared one,

    the angry one,

    the quiet one hiding behind wildfire eyes—

    and I want to tell them

    they weren’t ruined.

    They were shaped.

    Forged.

    Built out of battles

    they were never meant to fight alone.

    Maybe I was a messed-up kid,

    but I’m not that kid anymore.

    And if I am—

    if parts of them still live in me—

    I hold them gently now.

    I let them rest.

    I let them be more than their wounds.

    Because the truth is,

    I didn’t grow up wrong.

    I grew up surviving.

    And surviving

    is its own kind of strength.

  • Know That You Are Loved

    (Even If You Don’t Love Yourself)

    Know that you are loved

    even if you don’t love yourself,

    even if the mirror feels like a stranger

    and your own heartbeat sounds borrowed.

    Know that you are held

    in ways you can’t always see —

    in whispered prayers,

    in the quiet hope someone sends your way

    when you don’t even realize you need it.

    You are loved

    in the way dawn forgives the night,

    in the way a bruised sky still softens at sunrise,

    in the way life keeps giving you

    one more breath to try again.

    You don’t have to earn it.

    You don’t have to feel it.

    You don’t have to understand why.

    Just know this:

    on the days you’re breaking,

    on the days you’re numb,

    on the days you look at yourself

    and can’t find a single reason to stay—

    someone out there

    is grateful that you’re here,

    is rooting for your healing,

    is carrying the love

    you can’t yet carry for yourself.

    And until you can feel it —

    let that be enough.

  • Tolls on Burnt Bridges

    The hardest part of getting clean

    are all the damn apologies—

    the ones I owe,

    the ones I can’t say,

    the ones that taste like regret

    and old habits.

    It’s paying tolls on bridges

    I’ve already burnt,

    walking back through smoke

    I started myself,

    trying to make peace with ghosts

    who remember me at my worst.

    Recovery isn’t just staying sober.

    It’s swallowing pride,

    owning the wreckage,

    and learning how to rebuild

    with hands that once only knew

    how to destroy.

    And God,

    some days it feels impossible—

    but I’m still here,

    paying the tolls,

    crossing the ashes,

    trying anyway.